Sunday, November 22, 2009

The new normal?

It's been just over a month.
The "old" was never normal.
What is "normal" anyway?


The children are doing so well. They had closure with Vic, so very germaine to being able to move on. They also are blessed with wonderfully supportive friends.

Me too. My friends are really there for me now, as the fog & numb begins to subside & feelings begin to surface.

Each day, I negotiate my way through this new chapter in my life, I find my greatest personal comfort, solace & strength comes from our home, so full of memories.

Going through old videos has been wonderfully cathartic. To revive happier moments ... made me feel really great. Watching the skiing video of Vic & I in 1990 - wonderful stuff. It's what I needed to reconnect with the healthy, vital Vic that was.


Yes, YES, Y-E-S!!!
It DOES take time.
It's just irritating as shit hearing it, over & over & all over again.

I am figuring out things day by day, sometimes even moment to moment.

I get my greatest strength & peace from being outside on the patio that Vic built, through each stage of his illness. It was our therapy, our last baby. My ideas, his creative talents.

The wood planks breathe his energy. Each plant & tree has a story to tell. They really do!

We were very, very happy outside, under the stars.
I lay under those same stars nightly, only one of them twinkles a little brighter than the rest.

I smile. I know everything is going to be alright.

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Monday, November 9, 2009

A life

On October 19, 2009, 1:20 pm, Vic exhaled one last time
Slow, long
Then silence

In an instant, I became the sole keeper of our memories.
The memories of 20+ intense years
A history jam packed with great joys, challenges, more challenges
"Adventures" as Vic liked to call them
At least "they weren't shooting at us."


Cancer became the bullet that Vic never saw coming.

Our last family photo during the first of Corey's home-from-college weekend visits.

Our last photo
Vic laying with a gaping wound hidden under a gauze bandage
Both exhausted, yet hopeful
Both confused, yet still believing.


I so hated the fact that I could not get to really hold him, touch I could not lay my head beside his on the pillow, could not put my head on his shoulder. I just wanted to touch him. Connect with him. Bring him home.

Who knew that this was one of the better days still?

Vic growing list of conditions deteriorated each day over the proceeding 11 days.

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We feel his presence watching
We miss him so
I miss you so ...